Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Dear Alexander Skarsgard

Can I call you Alex? How about Xander? Alexander feels so formal.
The other day, after casually spotting a very flattering photo of your abdominals of yourself in a magazine (ok fine online but not in a creepy way), I realized you are not getting the attention you deserve.  As an extremely good looking Swede with the uncanny ability to play a Viking turned Vampire Kingpin, that no one knows if they should love or hate but definitely want to sleep with, it’s about time you have some sort of internet meme spin-off of your own - adapted of course after those Ryan Gosling Hey Girl posts everyone is going crazy for.
It could be called Hej Kvinna which a certain internet translator tells me is Swedish for Hello Woman – doesn’t quite have the same cool hipster ring to it though.
From a quick peek at your abs uh, biography, I quickly learned that you’ve been acting since age 8, studied Politics, and served as a Marine for 15 months – albeit for Sweden  which I will admit to knowing very little about*.  If being smart/brave doesn’t get you the attention you deserve (it never seems to count for much in Hollywood) you also made an appearance in the movie Zoolander a few years ago which is really all I needed to know**.
I mean what does Ryan Gosling have that makes him worthy of this internet phenomenon more than you? You’re both handsome – him in a more boy-next door, semi-alternative boy band way that makes it ok for him to wear skinny jeans and scarves, you in a sultry, muscular, blood-thirsty way that is both intimidating and makes my knees weak. And those abdominals...
Ok, so Ryan may or may not have broken up a street fight – doesn’t mean he has to brag about it. I’m sure, if given the chance, you would do the same. If not given the chance you could always film another half-naked sex scene for True Blood; the way I see it both give back to society in their own way.
Now I don’t want to cause any sort of ruckus between yourself and Mr. Gosling, there is plenty enough love to go around. The last thing I want is an archaic display of masculine aggression to win my affections - no, stop, please don't wrestle. Take your shirts off. 
Sorry about that I was distracted for a bit. Tell you what, while Ryan tests the waters with Eva-whomever and you work on the on-again/off-again Kate Bosworth thing I’ll plan weddings to each of you, then if we’re both single when I turn 35...
Don’t be silly, planning a wedding that may or may not take place isn’t an inconvenience; I spend a ton of time alone in my apartment on Pinterest anyways.
I know this is a lot to take in right now – after all, having your own Hey Girl parody on a teeny tiny blog that only a handful of people may or may not read is kind of a big deal. Take some time, think it over, and let me know what you think. In the meantime, here’s an example of where I see this going, just in-case you’re more of a “visual” person.

Vogue Magazine - July 2011 via
As I mentioned, I've got time on my hands to come up with clever slogans and seek out gorgeous photos of yourself. 
So Alex, if you somehow stumble upon this little post I hope you like it, and seriously 35 is only a handful of years away - what’s your plan for 2022?
Calli  xox

*Sweden, I adore your furniture and general design aesthetic. Your flag is Blue and Yellow which I know from watching international hockey tournaments; Canada’s version of compulsory military enlistment. If you care about me at all, don’t bring up the 2012 World Jr.’s – it’s still a touchy subject.
**I actually didn’t know you played one of Derek Zoolander’s gasoline-sparring friends until I Googled you – in search of topless photos like everyone else.  

1 comment:

  1. This is probably my favorite post ever. "no, stop, please don't wrestle. Take your shirts off. " Haha. Love it!