Thursday, July 12, 2012

Mo Money, Mo Problem$

I have one of those 365 calendars at work. For those not familiar with this concept (I’m thinking sewer dwellers, hermits, or anyone living in a cold-war bunker for the last 40 years) the flip-style calendar features a quote, brain teaser, or fun fact for each day of the year.

For the last two years, I begged, pleaded, and threatened my loved ones for The Office version which features hilarious quotes from the TV show. There is just something right about starting your day with a good chuckle courtesy of an inappropriate quip from Michael Scott. Honestly, sometimes it was the only reason I dragged myself out of bed in the morning – this fact is actually quite depressing. 


But last Christmas something happened. I guess I kind of forgot that 2012 was around the corner and took for granted that my family would simply remember to get me a new calendar without the begging and threats. Turns out I live in a fantasy land - I didn’t get a calendar.

I shouldn’t be so dramatic, I did get a 365 day calendar from a lovely friend, the theme of which I would describe as ‘Girl Power plus historical women with shoes’. It was a thoughtful gift, she clearly saw that I had, and therefore liked, 365 day calendars, and wanted to get me something for Christmas, to which I am extremely appreciative. However, this situation also depicts an issue that pops up when you befriend someone who likes The Office less than you do (or not at all – but then are we really friends?). Non-diehard fans of the show don’t really understand its ability to completely encase you in some sort of weird Dunder Mifflin style Snuggie where everything outside the fleecy warmth is less enjoyable. Now it sounds like a cult, which is probably a pretty accurate description.

I could have gone out and purchased a 2012 The Office themed calendar myself, after Christmas when they go on-sale, but change is good, and sometimes I need a stop-being-so-pretentious kick in the ass, so I embraced this new calendar and you know what? I’m learning that sometimes women have something insightful to say.

Also, one of my new co-workers has the 2012 calendar so I still get my daily dose of Dwight K. Schrute.

Yes, I said sometimes women have something insightful to say. Before all the ladies from my calendar – living and dead – unite against me, let me clarify. I said sometimes because often, at least once a week, my little calendar displays a Sex & the City gem or Kim Kardashian nugget that is completely ridiculous. So ridiculous in fact that I contemplated doing the unthinkable and skipping ahead in order to avoid a quote about fashion being the best reason to lose weight. Go away Karl Lagerfeld - I admire your clothes (from a less expensive distance) but the fact that you are included in this calendar speaks volumes.

It’s almost as if a bunch of Don Draper-esque calendar execs got together and thought “I know what inspires women! Shoes, ice-cream, and hating men.” Actually, if this is in fact the case and the execs look like Jon Hamm, they can put out a photo calendar next year and I’ll add it to my Christmas wish list - right after ‘The Office 365 day calendar’.

Case in point, I disposed of yesterday’s Sophia Loren comment – something about beauty being in your eyes and not anything physical – to find this jewel of a quote that I will not soon part with.

“You can be fun and sexy and still care about issues.” – Ke$ha

I had to laugh out loud. Then immediately took a photo and posted it on Facebook to share with the world. Adding a caption to the photo was the tricky part, it took about 15 minutes to decide how I was going to poke fun at this - the options are endless. What kind of i$$ue$ is Ke$ha familiar with? Was she referring to world politics or economics? Had she just seen a commercial for the SPCA? I can’t even fathom the challenges she faces compared to someone disadvantaged, or even middle class. What if someone is incapable of being a fun, sexy, caring triple threat? Thank goodness I likely won’t have to find out. But, just in-case, I’m going to eat carbs and avoid becoming too sexy to care.


I like to think that problems, like deciding what to care about, instead of the actual issues, keep celebrities up at night – as well as really twisted episodes of Criminal Minds. If this is the case, I’m sure Ke$ha’s got a pretty interesting sleep journal of possible topics for concern.

I$$ue$ to $tart Caring About:

Global Warming as a threat to rainbows

Global Cooling as a threat to bikini tops

James Van Der Beek riding my coattails back into fame

Multi-syllable song titles 

A global shortage of glitter

Anything endorsed by Sean Penn

The Black Keys as a threat to inferior music



I don’t want this to turn into a full on Ke$ha bashing (a partial bashing will do) seeing as I do love dancing to her music. However, after seeing the video for Blow, staring James Van Der Beek and unicorns that explode into rainbows, I’m not confident she knows who the President is. Also, typing her name, complete with dollar sign, is infuriating.

It’s probably a good thing I don’t regularly indulge in gossip magazines – if a quote on a 365* day calendar sets me off imagine a world where I am on-top of celebrity news.


*They should really call them 313ish day calendars since they lump Saturday and Sunday together and stiff you 52 (or so) quotes. I get that it’s designed for a Monday to Friday work week but I paid for the full 365 quotes.

Disclaimer: The idea for “i$$ue$” is not originally mine. A friend, much funnier than myself, used it in a Facebook comment – then I stole it. That's what friends are for.

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